Sex scenes in movies are bullshit

Nitpicking porn - awww yeah

OK, but seriously. Every time I've ever seen an uncomfortable sex scene, there's so many things that are wrong with it.

First, virgins. Listen, you might be the one in a million women that has a fantastic first time with no pain, but the rest of us don't. Those muscles are tight and probably not used to accepting anything larger or wider than a tampon. Proper lubrication can help with that, but the way most movie depictions happen, they just slide right on in as though the woman is obviously gushing love juice.

Also, don't feed me that shit that they're instantly moaning in pleasure. You don't have fifteen G spots, and to become that sensitive takes a long regiment of masturbation and exploration. Cliturbation, as an example, helps make the G spot more sensitive and thus makes penetrative sex more enjoyable and pleasurable.

Pleasurable, pleasurable, pleasurable...

Needless to say, you got to get a lady warmed up. Dudes too. Cramming your various bits into holes is not exactly a welcome thing without a warm-up (usually).

With that in mind, foreplay is SERIOUSLY stupid in movies. Boobies > oral > blowjob for fifteen minutes > sex > maybe anal if we're in a porn.

There's more areas on humans to heat them up. The neck, the ears, the inner thigh. That's one of the biggest drawbacks -- Hollywood and porno Hollywood aren't very good at depicting, you know, romance.

I can't even tell you how many movies I've seen that use that "quirky romantic comedy" formula. Nor how many times that crap makes me want to barf. It's especially bad when people try to make it "poetic" or "deep". Real romance is hard to depict, because it's the little moments that make it, the chemistry, the memories. In movies where two people have to bang by the end of it, that's probably not going to happen.

"Dude is sexy and dangerous. Opening vagina in 3...2..."

I think media needs a bit of an evolution in their depiction of sex and romance. For the whored!

How a Skyrim Mod Character Seduced Me

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks

In fact, the last one was so bad that I feel uncomfortable even thinking about intimacy or a relationship. I'm one of those "wounded bird" sorts who likes to try and save troubled people. At least I was until I realized that said people can be some of the worst, abusive, emotional vampires on the planet. After this last bout, my 26 year old heart said, "Man, fuck this."

So, as a loner who enjoys sitting in her underwear and playing games, I found myself replaying Skyrim. The romance system is, well, notoriously bad. You can get sexy ladies left and right but sexy men with any more than five lines is more difficult :( Think of the clits, modders!

Regardless, I found the Skyrim Romance Mod, which is all about a saucy ranger named Bishop (based off the same character from Neverwinter Nights 2). You get him, he's a huge dick, he wants to ravage your panties, etc. You meet other characters along the way that come with Bishop and serve as rivals etc.

Bishop is hot, don't get me wrong, but I'm not very impressed by the tough guy attitude. I'm a tough girl, built like a brick shithouse who's been in a lot of throwdowns -- that attitude just makes me want to fuck off, and not in the good way.

Then, we get to Markarth and there's this Forsworn gent trapped in a cage named Cael. Cool. Need him to move along the Bishop romance.

And then he opened his mouth.

You can listen to him talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJyizb1s9J0, in Mara Lightfeather's playthrough (she also helped spearhead the mod).

You know that anime expression? The one where their face turns bright red and steam blows out of their nose? I think I did that.

Before, I was scoffing, like TF2 Spy demanding Scout seduce him (if you haven't seen Expiration Date, PLEASE DO. It's hilarious). "Seduce me."

He opens his mouth and out pours this sensual, sex biscuit voice as he calls the Dragonborn "my sparrow." HUNNGGH.

Now, my Surrian Dragonborn is about as rough as I am. She's chaotic, she's done awful things, but she also tries to do good. Needless to say, she wasn't about to give it up to anyone, especially not the asshole Skyrim bachelors that taunt you and hermit in your house.

One conversation with Cael and I'm sitting there trying to learn how to install sex mods. I know, I am the worst, but godamnit THAT VOICE.

Sadly, he's not romanceable just yet, but they're working on a mod for that. I guess I'll go kill Alduin and stuff while waiting.

It's not a perfect mod, but it really hits the spot for a lady gamer who wants some sexy dudes. I hadn't been so seduced since I romanced Garrys from the ME series.

Lesson learned: always date video game boyfriends.